Outings

Wow - today was a roller coaster day. Started out really positive just enjoying a day off work  - went to breakfast at 5&Dinner with my oldest son, Danny.  Ran a few earrands -and did Danny's taxes.  Those all went well, but then something hit me and I had to retreat to my bed.  Became really irritated and sad.  Wanted to be left alone.  I had thoughts of having to go out and do a few things by myself - run to Walmart and pickup some things but I had no desire to leave my bed.  Wanted to just go to sleep the rest of the day.  The part of my brain that remembers what my therapist Ben tells me knew I had to get out of that bed and go out.  It was really hard because I REALLY REALLY wanted to stay in the bed.  I could stay there with just my feelings and not have to talk to anyone - that is what I wanted to do.  But instead I did drag myself sadly out of my bed and seperate myself from the safety of it and venture back out into the world like a whole normal person does.  It was hard but I did it.  And although I hate to admit it, I felt better after doing it.  Felt like there may come a day when I can feel whole again.  but the problem with that it brings a whole other realm of feelings of guilt with it - how can I be normal and ok when my son, my love, my little boy, died.