GRIEF SUCKS!

Grief sucks! That is my profound thought of the day.  I am not experienced with grief. My son is the first person I have ever been close to to have died.  Yes, the hardest thing - to loose a child and that is where I get to start.  I guess God must have figured if I start here the next time someone dies it will at least be easier. (Yes I can be a bit sarcastic).  Grieving has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It has a beginning but I do not believe it has an end.  You do not heal.  You do not "get over it" and accepting it is nearly impossible.  Somehow somedays you can cope.  Most days without even knowning it you find a tear running down your face.  You do not so much as even notice as it has become a constant.  If you try to deny grief - it will still find a way.  Somedays I will increase my antidepressants I started taking to help get me through the days (I take Paxil - not a huge dose - 10 -30 mg a day) and I can go awhile without crying.  The thing is when I do that, the grief slips into my dreams and it is there that I cry for Eric.  I truly believe your body has a physical need to grieve a loss.  If you turn your back on it - it will hunt you down and demand you let it out.  My husband, he drinks a lot as does my oldest son.  My younger son, who found Eric that morning, he is an amazing soul who refuses to let grief get him.  He is an honor student in AP classes his first year of high school.  He won't talk about that day - ever - at ALL - but I know the grief is there.  He is trying to deny it and I get scared for him that one day it will hunt him down and demand it's time.  I know it will.  And it is because I know when it does catch up with him - he will need me and I will need to be strong for him the way he is for me now.  So it is for him that I will continue to muster up my strenght to battle the lonely, dark and cold world of grief .  It is so emotionally and physically demanding but I will battle each day to get through it.
I will do this to honor Eric - he does not want me to be sad just as I never wanted him to be sad.  He is the wind beneath my wings that keeps pushing me forward. And in the darkest of times, I wish nothing more than to join him on the other side but how angry and hurt that would make him. He would never want to cause me a tear or any pain.  I know this was never his intent -he just needed to go "home" .  I want so much to tell more about Eric, but not now not yet.  Not ready.