Go Ask Maggie

Ok - I know I have not blogged in a while.  I have been struggling with my mood and don't like to write about being down all the time.  My mood is lifting a bit, not sure for how long, so I shall seize the moment and BLOG.  The weekend was ok.  My grandson (the son of the my eldest son, Danny) was over to visit and I love him so much he always puts a smile on my face.  He is 2 years and 8 months and adorable.  He is a Toy Story freak and loves to watch the movie over and over again.  By midday Saturday we were all tired of putting the movie on and restarting it every 90 minutes, so we did what any parent/grandparent would do.  We convinced the poor little guy that it was now up to the dog if we were going to watch the movie.  So every time he wanted to watch the movie he had to ask "Maggie" my English Springer (who really hates when Nick bothers her - she is far to much of a princess). Nothing made me laugh so hard  as when he walked up to Maggie and said "Hey Maggie - can we watch Toy Story?"  And of course, not being cruel, we said Maggie said it would be ok.  He then took all his wants and needs to Maggie the rest of the day saying "Hey Maggie" everytime he wanted to ask her for something.  I swear it was the funniest and cutest thing I have seen in such a long time.  It really lightened my heart and felt good to have an honest to God - Wet your pants laugh!

The rest of the weekend was prettty light hearted until Sunday night when I went to pick up mexican food for the family with Danny.  He just turned 21 and has been drinking regulary and of course was not going to miss the opportunity to drink Margaritas while waiting on the dinner.  During this time, he starts to talk about my husband ( the father of all 3 of the kids)  and how he feels he is not really happy because he is realizing his life is not where he wants it to be  and never will be.  I tell him that is true, since we lost Eric we will always have a hole that can never be filled.  Danny feels we should "get over it".  Are you kidding me - now the tears are flowing in the restaurant (again) and I tell him I hope he never understands because he could never understand until you've lost a child.  He then tells me it is "almost" like when anyone/thing dies - even the dog.  Now don't get me wrong - I LOVE MY DOGS and I cry like a baby when one dies (I lost my 13 year old lab 2 weeks exactly after Eric died) but losing a child is nothing like losing a dog.  How could anyone even make that comparison .  I was almost a little angry at him, but then I realized he just doesn't get it.  I don't know - maybe he should Go Ask Maggie.

Not sure what I am "blogging" about today.  Not in the best of moods.  I am tiered and sick of missing Eric. I am generally a very optimistic person, and I know Eric is near and watches over me.  He sends me many signs that say he is near (more about that another day).  But right now near is not enough - I want him here.  Not only do I want him here - I want him to be happy about it. (Spoken like a true mother). But I know that cannot be.  I must enjoy him from a distance, and find peace in my heart with his decision to leave.  The side of me that is his mother that wants him to only be happy accepts his decision as I know he is safe, happy and secure where he is hanging out in another dimension.  BUT the rest of me  wants to throw things, kick and scream - I WANT TO SEE HIM, FEEL HIM, TOUCH HIM- AND HUG HIM.  I want to see him accomplish his goals on this side, and meet his children.  You know what I want the most,  I want to SEE him happy.

Outings

Wow - today was a roller coaster day. Started out really positive just enjoying a day off work  - went to breakfast at 5&Dinner with my oldest son, Danny.  Ran a few earrands -and did Danny's taxes.  Those all went well, but then something hit me and I had to retreat to my bed.  Became really irritated and sad.  Wanted to be left alone.  I had thoughts of having to go out and do a few things by myself - run to Walmart and pickup some things but I had no desire to leave my bed.  Wanted to just go to sleep the rest of the day.  The part of my brain that remembers what my therapist Ben tells me knew I had to get out of that bed and go out.  It was really hard because I REALLY REALLY wanted to stay in the bed.  I could stay there with just my feelings and not have to talk to anyone - that is what I wanted to do.  But instead I did drag myself sadly out of my bed and seperate myself from the safety of it and venture back out into the world like a whole normal person does.  It was hard but I did it.  And although I hate to admit it, I felt better after doing it.  Felt like there may come a day when I can feel whole again.  but the problem with that it brings a whole other realm of feelings of guilt with it - how can I be normal and ok when my son, my love, my little boy, died.

GRIEF SUCKS!

Grief sucks! That is my profound thought of the day.  I am not experienced with grief. My son is the first person I have ever been close to to have died.  Yes, the hardest thing - to loose a child and that is where I get to start.  I guess God must have figured if I start here the next time someone dies it will at least be easier. (Yes I can be a bit sarcastic).  Grieving has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It has a beginning but I do not believe it has an end.  You do not heal.  You do not "get over it" and accepting it is nearly impossible.  Somehow somedays you can cope.  Most days without even knowning it you find a tear running down your face.  You do not so much as even notice as it has become a constant.  If you try to deny grief - it will still find a way.  Somedays I will increase my antidepressants I started taking to help get me through the days (I take Paxil - not a huge dose - 10 -30 mg a day) and I can go awhile without crying.  The thing is when I do that, the grief slips into my dreams and it is there that I cry for Eric.  I truly believe your body has a physical need to grieve a loss.  If you turn your back on it - it will hunt you down and demand you let it out.  My husband, he drinks a lot as does my oldest son.  My younger son, who found Eric that morning, he is an amazing soul who refuses to let grief get him.  He is an honor student in AP classes his first year of high school.  He won't talk about that day - ever - at ALL - but I know the grief is there.  He is trying to deny it and I get scared for him that one day it will hunt him down and demand it's time.  I know it will.  And it is because I know when it does catch up with him - he will need me and I will need to be strong for him the way he is for me now.  So it is for him that I will continue to muster up my strenght to battle the lonely, dark and cold world of grief .  It is so emotionally and physically demanding but I will battle each day to get through it.
I will do this to honor Eric - he does not want me to be sad just as I never wanted him to be sad.  He is the wind beneath my wings that keeps pushing me forward. And in the darkest of times, I wish nothing more than to join him on the other side but how angry and hurt that would make him. He would never want to cause me a tear or any pain.  I know this was never his intent -he just needed to go "home" .  I want so much to tell more about Eric, but not now not yet.  Not ready.

found a bone

Easter was almost exactly as I thought it would be.  Made breakfast for my husband and two other sons (remember French Toast and bacon).  I lit my candle for Eric and tried to make the best of the day. Whenever I am home with my husband, there always feels like an elephant in the room. I want to talk about Eric and he does not. Ever -none of the boys want to talk about it.!  I know they miss him and are sad - they just do not seem to grieve like I do.  Makes me sad and feel alone in my grief.

I did get a lot done in the morning.  Even worked on my tax return a little.  I can only stand to work on it for a little bit at a time -too much stress.  After that I did retreat to my favorite place -my bed.  I took a 3 hour nap and woke up in time to clean the house and eat dinner. That is how a lot of my days off work go - cleaning, eating, sleeping.

I think the strangest part of the day was when I took my 3 dogs for a walk.  I like to take them to a large desert field across the street from my house.  There I turn them loose and let them run and chase birds - they never catch them but they love the chase.  It is a good time for me - I love to watch them run and enjoy life -it always puts a smile on my face.  Well today, they found a treasure in some brush.  My Shepard came out of the brush carrying a bone large enough to be a human calf bone!  He ran proudly all the way home carrying it in his mouth  as I looked on a little freaked.  My husband took it from him when we got home and he thinks it is probably an animal bone - maybe a coyote.  Still it freaked me out.  I even went back to try to find the rest of the bones - but the dogs just ran around not able to find the exact spot the found this treasure.  I will definitely keep my eyes open on my next field walk - not even sure if I want to find the rest, but I will feel better once I know for sure it is indeed the bone of an animal.

Well, time for bed - thank God.  I won't have to do much to get ready for bed considering I never got out of my jammies today.  Yes, I did walk the dogs in my jammies.  Not to worry, my neighbors only worry when I get dressed on my day off -otherwise jammies are the perfect attire for any occasion.

Holidays

Easter is tomorrow - another holiday!. I have really grown to hate the holidays. They seem pointless. But just like the holidays before, you know, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (that one was really hard) and now Easter I will get out of bed and make it as best as I can for the rest of my family. You know how it is, I am the mom and I have to be strong and make it look easy, even when I simply want to curl up and cry my way through the day. Somedays I do do this, I just try to do it in my room or on the phone with my friend Renee crying in her ear. Not in front of the rest of the family, they do not grieve the way I do. I hate that time keeps coming and seems to have no end in sight. My heart hurts and struggles to make it through another day without one of my sons. Holidays are more like horrordays -just an even more painful reminder that Eric is gone. But because I know he would want me to and because I do genuinely love the rest of my family I will do the best I can. I cannot bring myself to do the big family gathering, but I will get up and make french toast and bacon - one of their favorites and spend some time reminding them that their mom still loves and worships them, but than, Eric's mom will be worn out and I will retreat to my room with my tissues, my dogs, and Lifetime movie till my eyes grow weary from tears and fall asleep. In my dreams, Eric is still here and I get another chance to be Eric's mom. Sleep is my friend.