memorial day

Ok. So it is Memorial Day. A day of family and BBQ's right? That is what I use to think. But today it has hit me. What a day of sadness. I did not lose my son to a military war but I certainly know the pain of the grief that their family members feel. I try to imagine how they get through this day. I am saddened that the real meaning of the holiday is lost. I could not imagine on a day meant to honor my son the rest of the nation was just partying - not even given thought to the men and women who died so that they can do so. Not just men and women - let's be real- someones son or daughter. Just take a few minutes and imagine the pain (not that you can EVER imagine the pain of losing a child unless you have experienced it). I feel certain that the parents of fallen soldiers do not spend today soaking up sun, drinking beer, and complaining about the fact that they have to go back to work tomorrow. I feel these parents have pain that runs deep and is probably escalated to an even higher level of pain today. Please in all that you do, take a minute and remember the soldiers. If you have children, siblings, husbands, or parents (I think that include just about every one) stop and look at them and imagine how you might feel if they were gone. Imagine the pain you might feel if others were celebrating your lost.

Mothers day letter to Eric

May 9 2010

Hello Eric.

Yesterday is was the 11 month mark since you crossed over. Today is mother's day and like any other day – I miss you. I try to keep busy and to remember you are happy, but I still miss you. Today I would like to tell you how much I like being your mom. First and foremost, you make me proud. You always have and always will – nothing you did in life or in your crossing has ever made me ashamed to call you my son. You have a great soul. I know sometimes when you were in this physical world, it depleted your spirit but I always saw it. You are kind and empathetic. You had such a dry sense of humor, and when nobody would laugh you would always say “What – nobody”. Sometimes you would drive me crazy because you always would “choose” to see the negatives in this world. I know it is hard to find good here but there is some. You show me the good a lot now. Now, I know you were just “homesick” for the other side. I imagine in comparison this is a pretty dark place to be. I struggle with the peaks and valleys of grief. But the sadness I carry is my own. It is my own selfishness that wants you back but in my heart I know you are were you need to be. Your world is now full of only peace, love, and kindness. I think the only way you get that here on this side is with a pill, a drink, or a puff – and even then it is pretty short lived. I look forward to the day I can share your new home with you, but my work here is not done. I still have to be here and be a physical mom for your brothers and it is something you once again are helping me with. You make me a better mom. Someday we can all be together again, but until then please remember you are still a part of this family and visit us often – leave us your calling card – a penny out of place, a feather, a ringing phone with no one there, a flickering light – whatever you feel like doing at the time - just make sure we know it is from you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I love you son and I always will.


Love you forever

Mom

Go Ask Maggie

Ok - I know I have not blogged in a while.  I have been struggling with my mood and don't like to write about being down all the time.  My mood is lifting a bit, not sure for how long, so I shall seize the moment and BLOG.  The weekend was ok.  My grandson (the son of the my eldest son, Danny) was over to visit and I love him so much he always puts a smile on my face.  He is 2 years and 8 months and adorable.  He is a Toy Story freak and loves to watch the movie over and over again.  By midday Saturday we were all tired of putting the movie on and restarting it every 90 minutes, so we did what any parent/grandparent would do.  We convinced the poor little guy that it was now up to the dog if we were going to watch the movie.  So every time he wanted to watch the movie he had to ask "Maggie" my English Springer (who really hates when Nick bothers her - she is far to much of a princess). Nothing made me laugh so hard  as when he walked up to Maggie and said "Hey Maggie - can we watch Toy Story?"  And of course, not being cruel, we said Maggie said it would be ok.  He then took all his wants and needs to Maggie the rest of the day saying "Hey Maggie" everytime he wanted to ask her for something.  I swear it was the funniest and cutest thing I have seen in such a long time.  It really lightened my heart and felt good to have an honest to God - Wet your pants laugh!

The rest of the weekend was prettty light hearted until Sunday night when I went to pick up mexican food for the family with Danny.  He just turned 21 and has been drinking regulary and of course was not going to miss the opportunity to drink Margaritas while waiting on the dinner.  During this time, he starts to talk about my husband ( the father of all 3 of the kids)  and how he feels he is not really happy because he is realizing his life is not where he wants it to be  and never will be.  I tell him that is true, since we lost Eric we will always have a hole that can never be filled.  Danny feels we should "get over it".  Are you kidding me - now the tears are flowing in the restaurant (again) and I tell him I hope he never understands because he could never understand until you've lost a child.  He then tells me it is "almost" like when anyone/thing dies - even the dog.  Now don't get me wrong - I LOVE MY DOGS and I cry like a baby when one dies (I lost my 13 year old lab 2 weeks exactly after Eric died) but losing a child is nothing like losing a dog.  How could anyone even make that comparison .  I was almost a little angry at him, but then I realized he just doesn't get it.  I don't know - maybe he should Go Ask Maggie.

Not sure what I am "blogging" about today.  Not in the best of moods.  I am tiered and sick of missing Eric. I am generally a very optimistic person, and I know Eric is near and watches over me.  He sends me many signs that say he is near (more about that another day).  But right now near is not enough - I want him here.  Not only do I want him here - I want him to be happy about it. (Spoken like a true mother). But I know that cannot be.  I must enjoy him from a distance, and find peace in my heart with his decision to leave.  The side of me that is his mother that wants him to only be happy accepts his decision as I know he is safe, happy and secure where he is hanging out in another dimension.  BUT the rest of me  wants to throw things, kick and scream - I WANT TO SEE HIM, FEEL HIM, TOUCH HIM- AND HUG HIM.  I want to see him accomplish his goals on this side, and meet his children.  You know what I want the most,  I want to SEE him happy.

Outings

Wow - today was a roller coaster day. Started out really positive just enjoying a day off work  - went to breakfast at 5&Dinner with my oldest son, Danny.  Ran a few earrands -and did Danny's taxes.  Those all went well, but then something hit me and I had to retreat to my bed.  Became really irritated and sad.  Wanted to be left alone.  I had thoughts of having to go out and do a few things by myself - run to Walmart and pickup some things but I had no desire to leave my bed.  Wanted to just go to sleep the rest of the day.  The part of my brain that remembers what my therapist Ben tells me knew I had to get out of that bed and go out.  It was really hard because I REALLY REALLY wanted to stay in the bed.  I could stay there with just my feelings and not have to talk to anyone - that is what I wanted to do.  But instead I did drag myself sadly out of my bed and seperate myself from the safety of it and venture back out into the world like a whole normal person does.  It was hard but I did it.  And although I hate to admit it, I felt better after doing it.  Felt like there may come a day when I can feel whole again.  but the problem with that it brings a whole other realm of feelings of guilt with it - how can I be normal and ok when my son, my love, my little boy, died.

GRIEF SUCKS!

Grief sucks! That is my profound thought of the day.  I am not experienced with grief. My son is the first person I have ever been close to to have died.  Yes, the hardest thing - to loose a child and that is where I get to start.  I guess God must have figured if I start here the next time someone dies it will at least be easier. (Yes I can be a bit sarcastic).  Grieving has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It has a beginning but I do not believe it has an end.  You do not heal.  You do not "get over it" and accepting it is nearly impossible.  Somehow somedays you can cope.  Most days without even knowning it you find a tear running down your face.  You do not so much as even notice as it has become a constant.  If you try to deny grief - it will still find a way.  Somedays I will increase my antidepressants I started taking to help get me through the days (I take Paxil - not a huge dose - 10 -30 mg a day) and I can go awhile without crying.  The thing is when I do that, the grief slips into my dreams and it is there that I cry for Eric.  I truly believe your body has a physical need to grieve a loss.  If you turn your back on it - it will hunt you down and demand you let it out.  My husband, he drinks a lot as does my oldest son.  My younger son, who found Eric that morning, he is an amazing soul who refuses to let grief get him.  He is an honor student in AP classes his first year of high school.  He won't talk about that day - ever - at ALL - but I know the grief is there.  He is trying to deny it and I get scared for him that one day it will hunt him down and demand it's time.  I know it will.  And it is because I know when it does catch up with him - he will need me and I will need to be strong for him the way he is for me now.  So it is for him that I will continue to muster up my strenght to battle the lonely, dark and cold world of grief .  It is so emotionally and physically demanding but I will battle each day to get through it.
I will do this to honor Eric - he does not want me to be sad just as I never wanted him to be sad.  He is the wind beneath my wings that keeps pushing me forward. And in the darkest of times, I wish nothing more than to join him on the other side but how angry and hurt that would make him. He would never want to cause me a tear or any pain.  I know this was never his intent -he just needed to go "home" .  I want so much to tell more about Eric, but not now not yet.  Not ready.

found a bone

Easter was almost exactly as I thought it would be.  Made breakfast for my husband and two other sons (remember French Toast and bacon).  I lit my candle for Eric and tried to make the best of the day. Whenever I am home with my husband, there always feels like an elephant in the room. I want to talk about Eric and he does not. Ever -none of the boys want to talk about it.!  I know they miss him and are sad - they just do not seem to grieve like I do.  Makes me sad and feel alone in my grief.

I did get a lot done in the morning.  Even worked on my tax return a little.  I can only stand to work on it for a little bit at a time -too much stress.  After that I did retreat to my favorite place -my bed.  I took a 3 hour nap and woke up in time to clean the house and eat dinner. That is how a lot of my days off work go - cleaning, eating, sleeping.

I think the strangest part of the day was when I took my 3 dogs for a walk.  I like to take them to a large desert field across the street from my house.  There I turn them loose and let them run and chase birds - they never catch them but they love the chase.  It is a good time for me - I love to watch them run and enjoy life -it always puts a smile on my face.  Well today, they found a treasure in some brush.  My Shepard came out of the brush carrying a bone large enough to be a human calf bone!  He ran proudly all the way home carrying it in his mouth  as I looked on a little freaked.  My husband took it from him when we got home and he thinks it is probably an animal bone - maybe a coyote.  Still it freaked me out.  I even went back to try to find the rest of the bones - but the dogs just ran around not able to find the exact spot the found this treasure.  I will definitely keep my eyes open on my next field walk - not even sure if I want to find the rest, but I will feel better once I know for sure it is indeed the bone of an animal.

Well, time for bed - thank God.  I won't have to do much to get ready for bed considering I never got out of my jammies today.  Yes, I did walk the dogs in my jammies.  Not to worry, my neighbors only worry when I get dressed on my day off -otherwise jammies are the perfect attire for any occasion.